If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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