The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
