Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
