break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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