I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
