Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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