found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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