I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
