I looked at my own cervix.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
