Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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