he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
