I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
