this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
