pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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