youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
