Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
