did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
