all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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