There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
