So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
