I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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