My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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