Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
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There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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