My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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