also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
