apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
