Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
