Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
