remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
