Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
