But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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