Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He passed out mid-signature
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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