my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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