You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i've created a new STD.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
