Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
