I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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