She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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