Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
