# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
