I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
