I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
