Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
