would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
