Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
