Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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