My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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