wrigley field is MILF paradise
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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