That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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