I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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