my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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