yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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