are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
