my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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