My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
