Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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