How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
