No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
