the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
